Not what should matter to you.
Not what matters to your parents.
Your partner.
Your friends.
Your culture.
Not what looks important from the outside.
What actually matters to you?
It sounds like a simple question.
Until you try to answer it.
Most of us can tell you what we want.
A better job.
More money.
A relationship.
A healthier body.
More time.
A different life.
But underneath the things we want are often the reasons we want them.
And underneath those reasons, we may begin to find our values.
WHAT ARE VALUES?
Simply put, values are the things that matter to us.
Freedom.
Security.
Love.
Connection.
Growth.
Recognition.
Adventure.
Family.
Peace.
Achievement.
Belonging.
There isn’t one correct list.
And the same word can mean something completely different to two different people.
Within NLP, values work is used as a framework for exploring what matters to someone and what may be influencing their goals, choices and priorities.
It isn’t about someone else telling you what your values should be.
It’s about becoming curious about what is important to you.
This is why two people can want exactly the same thing for completely different reasons.
Two people may both want successful careers.
For one, success may represent freedom.
For another, security.
For someone else, recognition.
Same goal.
Completely different reason for wanting it.
And that difference matters.
SOMETIMES THE GOAL ISN’T REALLY THE GOAL
Let’s say you tell me:
“I want to earn more money.”
I might ask:
What would having more money give you that’s important to you?
Maybe you answer:
“Freedom.”
And what would freedom give you?
“More time with my family.”
And what would that give you?
“Connection.”
Suddenly, we’re somewhere very different from money.
Money was the goal you started with.
Connection may be part of what you were really looking for underneath it.
This is one of the things I find most interesting about values work.
Sometimes we spend years chasing something before stopping to ask what we believe having it will give us.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO VALUES COMPETE?
You might value both freedom and security.
But what happens when a decision gives you one at the expense of the other?
You might value career and family.
What happens when both need you at exactly the same time?
You might value belonging and authenticity.
What happens when being yourself risks disappointing the people around you?
In NLP values work, one approach is to explore which values seem to take priority when two important things come into conflict.
Not because there is necessarily one permanent hierarchy that determines every decision you make.
Context matters.
Life changes.
We change.
But sometimes our priorities become much easier to see when two things we care about pull us in different directions.
WHY CAN A “GOOD” DECISION STILL FEEL WRONG?
Have you ever made a decision that made perfect sense on paper…
and still felt uncomfortable with it?
One possibility worth exploring is whether the decision conflicts with something that’s important to you.
Imagine someone who deeply values freedom accepting a prestigious job with very little autonomy.
From the outside, it may look like progress.
More money.
Better title.
More status.
But internally, something feels off.
Or someone who values connection builds a life so full of achievement that there is almost no time left for the people they love.
They may have reached the goal.
But the goal isn’t giving them what they thought it would.
This is why understanding your values can be useful.
It gives you another question to ask beyond:
“What should I do?”
You can also ask:
“What matters to me here?”
AND SOMETIMES, THE VALUES AREN’T ENTIRELY YOURS
This part is worth sitting with.
From the moment we’re born, we’re influenced by the families, cultures, communities, relationships and environments around us.
We learn what gets celebrated.
What gets approved of.
What success is supposed to look like.
What a good life is supposed to look like.
And somewhere along the way, should can become very loud.
Success should look like this.
A good mother should do this.
A successful person should want this.
By this age, I should have achieved that.
There is nothing unusual about being influenced by the world around us.
We all are.
But occasionally, it’s worth asking:
Do I still choose this?
Maybe achievement genuinely matters to you.
Maybe it doesn’t.
Maybe security mattered enormously during one stage of your life, while freedom feels more important now.
Maybe something you spent years pursuing no longer feels particularly important at all.
Values don’t have to remain frozen forever.
Life changes.
And so do we.
TRY THIS
Take a blank page and ask yourself:
What is truly important to me in my life right now?
Don’t overthink it.
Write down whatever comes.
Maybe you have ten words.
Maybe twenty.
Then look at them again.
What does each word actually mean to you?
If you wrote freedom, what does freedom look like in your life?
If you wrote success, how would you know you had it?
If you wrote family, what is it about family that matters?
Then start comparing the things you’ve written.
If I could have freedom but less security, what would matter more to me right now?
If achievement came at the expense of connection, how would that feel?
If recognition cost me peace, would I still want it?
There are no correct answers.
The interesting part is noticing yours.
And once you’ve identified the values that feel most important right now, ask yourself one more question:
Does the way I’m currently living make room for the things I say matter most to me?
Not perfectly.
Nobody’s life does.
But broadly.
Does your calendar reflect them?
Do your relationships reflect them?
Does the way you spend your time and energy reflect them?
Do the goals you’re working towards reflect them?
Because sometimes there can be a surprisingly large distance between the things we say matter to us and the life we’re actually building.
MAYBE START THERE
Values work isn’t about finding five perfect words and putting them in your journal.
And it isn’t about judging yourself when your life doesn’t perfectly match them.
For me, it’s about awareness.
A way of becoming curious about why certain choices feel easy while others pull us in two directions.
Why something that looks successful from the outside may not feel fulfilling.
Why two people can want exactly the same thing for completely different reasons.
And why sometimes getting clearer about what you want begins with understanding why you want it.
So perhaps the question isn’t:
What do I want next?
Perhaps it’s:
What matters to me now?
And then:
Am I building a life that makes room for it?